When people have come, even our pastor and the hospice chaplin, I always convey that I am really in a good place emotionally. I am full of peace, happiness, love, faith, and hope. I think most people believe me, but I can also tell that they wonder "Really?". Am I putting on that brave front for everyone? The answer is that I am really am fully of peace.
I Know It Will Get Worse
I can't come close to relating how Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane and when he went and prayed by himself. He did this and his sweat turned to blood because he was so scared. He knew what was comming and what suffering was ahead of him.
In my world, I know that it will get worse physically on me as time draws near and God prepares me to bring me home. I also know that in Jesus, God has provided not only a savior but an example. While in the garden of Gethsemane God sent Jesus an angel from to him and provided him strength. He needed strength because he knew what was coming.
I am no different but I will not grow a weary heart (Heb 12:3). I know that God is with me. I also know that God is not only with me, but he is with people that are surrounding me. I see him working through Sarah, Nancy, and Ross. This gives me strength.
My current status is only a little liver pain, which I know will get worse but that is what more pain meds are for. My fluid hopefully will get a little better with diuretics that I just started, but will never get good. My immobility will get worse, and we will just deal with it when that happens. I can say this with confidence because I can see God working through the Hospice team that He has provided to me. Their compassion is not to be underestimated. They have been equipped to make sure I am comfortable and they will. This gives me strength.
So Where Does The Happiness Come From At Times Like This?
God continues to provide. I have to stay focused on all of the ways that God continues to provide to me and my family. It is truly amazing.
All of this writing I have been doing is a great outlet for me as well, whether it is on FaceBook or this blog, or the private letters I am writing for the future for my family. What is really shocking to me is how impactful they apparently are to you all. Then you all send such unbelievable comments and messages that do nothing but provide me strength and encouragement. It is like we started a cycle of emotional generosity that can't be stopped. This gives me strength. I have spent a lot of time doing "busy work" which is making sure that every last detail is taking care of for after my passing. We are now all set on that. Most of the heavy lifting had already been done, we just needed to finalize everything so that when that glorious (for me) day comes, Nancy will be able to focus on a celebration of my great life with her and not worrying about the logistics of losing a loved one. This is another blessing of a long goodby. I have enjoyed the "busy work" because it has filled my days with productivity, which is good. The outcome was fantastic and God once again provided by putting the exact right people around me. This all gives me a great deal of peace and comfort. This gives me strength.
Visitors. I know this post started out by a disclaimer warning regarding visiting. To be perfectly honest, having visitors does physically wear me out. Even if we are not really doing anything. However, I also draw a great deal of strength and happiness from all of the visitors we have had. Every relationship Nancy and I have established over the years have been very different. We have so many fond and great memories. You all give me strength.
My Family
Last, but foremost on my mind, is my family. Right now, they are the greatest source of happiness and concern. I do constantly think about their happiness and know what a terrible situation this is for them. However, they are the single greatest source of happiness for me during this time. Just watching Sarah watch Gossip Girls, watching Ross play, watching Nancy do everything she does constantly around the house brings me great deal of joy. I am so blessed to have the family have. Especially during this time.
Sarah is an amazing young lady and has been of tremendous help to me since she has been home. She put volleyball behind her for a month and has helped with nursing duties but she has really helped spiritually. She always knows what to say, what scripture to read, and what prayer to say. God is definitely working through Sarah right now and that is great to see. Sarah gives me strength.
Ross is having a difficult time on his own terms dealing with the situation, yet is working hard to be strong for dad. He is doing things and taking on tasks that a seven year old should not have to deal with. However, Ross is Ross and every move, every word and every action he takes brings a smile to my face, joy in my heart and fills our house with love. His prayers have been amazing and straight from his heart to God's ears. Ross gives me strength.
Nancywa is also under a great deal of stress and anxiety taking on her concerns of my situation while continuing to run the house, be a mom, be a wife, and be all of the things that do not stop during trials. She is truly an inspiration to me in that she seems to be able to take on so much. I know how difficult it is, but she is truly an amazing lady. God is providing for Nancy and giving her strength in ways I could not imagine. I think she will realize it over time and upon reflection. Right now, she is too busy to be able to see it. Nancy gives me strength.
To Close
God gives me strength and had surrounded me with a great cloud of witnesses that have also given me strength so that I can personally run with perseverance the race that has been set out before me. I am keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, author and perfector of my faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, depising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. I do consider Jesus who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, and I will not grow weary and lose heart. (modified Hebrews 12:1-3).
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